On Daily Living

Half my heart is in heaven and half my heart is here.

I can feel it. And it makes it difficult to be present here because my interior life is not here. It is consumed in heaven’s fire. My feet touch the earth, but barely. I am walking but I am not quite here. I feel drawn to Love beyond anything else I’ve ever been drawn to. My Lord’s desires are the only ones I care about. As evil surrounds the earth, I can feel the powers of heaven, mighty and powerful, and I am a part of this force, fighting beside. That is the mission and I see many do not understand this-the Church Militant.

A few weeks ago, I woke during the night because I could feel a bad presence. I woke to see a red demon looking at me. It was floating in the air about 7 feet from my bed. I made the Sign of the Cross and it disappeared.

Have mercy on me, Jesus. I am not fit for You. But I submit myself before You. I am here to serve.

On Trust

Supreme vulnerability of oneself is the ultimate form of confidence, the ultimate form of security, thus "the first shall be last and the last shall be first" (Matthew 20:16) and "the one who wants to save his life will lose it" (Mathew 16:25).

The Vatican—-a building of intimidating appearance. It stands a sight of grandeur and sheer antiquity—the symbol of God’s Authority here on earth and over my own heart. It is a sign of assurance that my faith is firm because I do not and cannot know everything; it is exactly this reason that my faith is real and necessary. This is the crux of my vulnerability. The total surrender of my will and intellect rely on God’s firmness. He is Who He says He is and because of that I do not need to pursue every unturned stone and every dilemma. I do not need to suffer in pain the agony of the Body of Christ. God reigns. God is alive. God is over all the earth. I only need to repeat the words, “I trust in You.” My ultimate confidence is not in not knowing but surrendering what I cannot know to His providence.

It is precisely this that makes Catholicism the greatest point of freedom because insecurity is enslavement to fear. This fear is a fear of loss of personhood, but surrender is where your personhood holds its fullest potential. Your freedom is in your enjoyment to just be a child of God, just enjoying the Abba like a child enjoys her parent. Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

God is in control.

On Justice

Justice is not punishment. When people think of God’s justice, they tend to equate it with God simply punishing people. One day as I was walking through my kitchen I happened to be thinking about eternal punishment and hell. I asked the Father in my mind, “What is hell? What is Justice?” And with that question, I received this word in my mind and saw these words, “JUSTICE EQUALS RESTORATION” Suddenly I realized all my understanding of hell was just wrong.

Justice brings things back into its proper order. Order brings function; but disorder yields disfunction. Justice says “I will bring things back into the way they are supposed to function such that there is perfect interaction of the things in existence". Does it hurt to make this happen? Will there be pain? The answer yes; this may feel like punishment. Childbirth is a perfect metaphor here; because people often equate labor with pain itself much like they equate justice with punishment, but the pain of labor is not actually “pain”; it is muscular contractions and hormonal influences on the body and the baby itself in motion with these that are working together to bring forth life. So what is actually healthy normal functions of the body can look like “pain” but it’s actually just “work”, the woman and baby’s body working very very hard (hence the term
”labor”). Justice very much takes on similar exterior attributes—its underpinning of restoration tends to look and feel like punishment.

Where could this perversion of Justice come from? One guess. Concupiscence.

This is also why you cannot have justice without mercy. Because God is Love. all things are taken into consideration upon His creation because He glories in His creation. His glorification is perfected in us when we are totally united in the Cross—this is suffering; the Cross is suffering. Our suffering united in Christ Jesus is like punishment to make us holy and to restore us for the Father’s glory because He will have His bride, pure and spotless, because He is Justice.

Is it enough to be a good person? No.

It is not possible to be a good person apart from God. When people argue that they don’t need to believe on God because they are already “good” people, my response is that this is impossible.

Anything apart from God is not good in of itself. Since we are only reflections of God, only when we unite our actions to God can we reflect goodness as coming from true Charity itself. This is why there is no greater love than he who lays his life down for a fellow man because what does he benefit for himself in dying? Acts of true goodness are rooted in total self-giving. Total self-giving is only possible from God Himself because this is unconditional love. Our very nature itself is only a mere reflection or image of God; we cannot be God Himself. You cannot change the nature of something simply by thinking it is something else. Therefore, mere reflections or images of good are not purely good unless they are united with Goodness itself, that is God. All actions that reflect good are tainted with selfish motivations one way or another, just like a reflection of a table cannot be the table itself, and the reflection is not a perfect image of the table because it is only a reflection. Perfect acts of goodness are only possible rooted in God.

Being a “good” person is not enough to be in union with the objective nature of our existence, that is union with Goodness, union with Charity, union with God. It is not enough to exist just “being a good person”. We most go deeper into Goodness, so that our works are authentic acts of Charity. When Charity is flowing through us, we become lights in the world that accurately reflect Goodness as it really is working in the Body of Christ. So when Jesus says when you served your fellow man, you served Me not because we simply did good works but because our works were united in Christ flowing only from God’s grace. Therefore , that is why it says “Every good and perfect thing is from above. “ (James 1:17) Notice it doesn’t say from within, or from ourselves. True Charity is divine and it is a gift that comes from grace. It is through us not from us that good works are done. Let Charity be your inspiration. Let Goodness in its purest form be your motivation. Seek beyond yourself because you really were meant to be a firework like Katy Perry said, just not from your own lighter.

On the Crucifix

Fire of love, consume me!

The absolute best spiritual exercise you can do is to meditate on the crucifix. Let your heart adore Jesus as the broken Lamb of God, bloodied and wounded, as a sign of the Father’s ultimate love for his beloved children. We are His beloved and this sacrifice is very pleasing to Him because we are His beloved; it is exactly a paradox: something so hideous, so awful; this is LOVE. The suffering Lamb of God is our way to holiness, because it is complete surrender to the Father, everything, surrendered to the Father is the path to holiness. Surrender, surrender, surrender.

On Faith

If I truly believe that Jesus is present body and blood soul and divinity at Holy Mass and I receive Him, wholly God, then I have God. If I have God then I have everything. If I have everything then I lack nothing.  If I lack nothing then I have not to need anything but rather to give for all that I can gain now is souls for Jesus. 

Anything within me unworthy, unfit, imperfect, broken, wounded, perverse, unholy—-anything wanton, it is taken care of in the oneness of the Lord by His holy indwelling through the precious Species for then I am a vessel of His mercy, His charity, His joy, His peace; I am a victim for Holy Mother Church. As long as I surrender my will, there is nothing God cannot accomplish in me, and the reality that I am living in both a natural and supernatural state, both body and spirit, means that I am not even limited by time itself.  In other words, whatever healing and restoration I need, however crappy of a person I am or have been—Jesus said, ”Your faith has saved you.” Therefore if I have faith, I am already at once fully restored. 

My mission then can be on my neighbor and their needs now and it’s in this way that the Church Militant proceeds and can only proceed to exist. This is what it means to pray and not worry. God never denies human inadequacy; in fact, on the contrary, He fully acknowledges it and provides (Like with Jeremiah ad Moses).

And so, we look forward to the “resurrection of the dead”; that those who present themselves as Christians come alive in order to carry out the great commission-to go out and make disciples of all nations. Do not ask then, “How Lord?” But “Where Lord? Where do you send me?”

January 31, 2023

Love Like Fire

I am going to start sharing now my private experiences that the Lord has granted me.

In February this year I was touring a Catholic school for my one son when during the tour I suddenly felt a powerful force of heat like inferred heat ago though my whole body and out just a few feet more into the hallway. It was so powerful my body was shaken by it and I almost fell over because my knees became unstable. It was pure love so intense that it was like a fire burning me up. As I asked the tour guide what was in the room we were in front of and she was speaking I approached the glass door to peer through and she said, “Oh that’s the chapel.” And I could see the tabernacle only a few feet from the doorway. I immediately knelt down and told my boys to do the same and I didn’t want to move but no one else was experiencing this and it took me by surprise. I was out of it for awhile and had to act normal even though my knees were still very weak for several hours after. My husband still wasn’t Catholic yet and the other woman I was with was a lukewarm Catholic. I emailed the school later on to tell them to put a sign in the hallway expressing that all who pass the chapel ought to genuflect in the hallway because the Real Presence emits itself out into the hallway.

I have passed many tabernacles and never experienced this before but I have always believed in the Real Presence even when I wasn’t a faithful Catholic.

Therefore, humble yourself before the tabernacle and worship there. When you drive by a church also sign yourself and adore Jesus in your thoughts. He is there. And He waits for us to come and receive His love as unworthy as we are. So look at the humility of God.

Prostrate Yourself and Surrender

Do not hold back from the Holy Spirit. God cannot work with a stiff-necked people. Recall the Israelites in the desert who had to wait for a whole new generation to carry on to the Promised Land, recall the great plagues inflicted upon Pharaoh to show his arrogance and pride that not even the death of his own son who cause him to surrender…recall these stories to reflect upon your own spirit. Do you have a spirit of surrender to the Holy Spirit? Why are you holding back? How dare you hold back from the GOD YOUR GOD? Recall the Baltimore Catechism in the 3 reasons you are here: to know, love and to serve God. You are here for His glory whether you know or not. You are already His. Why hold back? For what can you lose but to gain from the Holy Spirit’s annointing?

The whole Church, no the whole world, loses out because you hold back. Your surrender means the works of the Holy Spirit through you, it means the Kingdom of heaven here on earth through your hands, through your feet. Your surrender is the means by which the work of ministry prevails. Holding back means the loss of prophecy, the loss of healing, the loss of tongues, the loss to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, comfort the sick, comfort the dying, minister to the prisoners, the loss of evangelization, the loss of Christ’s presence here on earth among our brethren and sisters who are desperate for the Good News . How can we make the Kingdom known without our personal surrender to the Holy Spirit?

Therefore PROSTRATE YOURSELF BEFORE THE CRUCIFIX; prostrate before the tabernacle in your own church and do not be ashamed if someone sees you. Do not be ashamed to adore Jesus. Do not be ashamed of your love for Him Who made heaven and earth. Prostrate yourself before Him in total surrender. ARMS OUTSTRETCHED GIVE YOURSELF TO JESUS AND ADORE HIM WITH YOUR TOTAL SURRENDER . For the Lord loves a heart contrite and humble.

To those who are in ministry, remove your pride and let go of your hold unto power for it is asinine to exalt yourself over the movement of the Holy Spirit. Hear the words of St. Peter and imprint them upon your heart:

1 Peter 5:1-6

To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder and a witness of Christ’s sufferings who also will share in the glory to be revealed: Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve;  not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

Psalm 34: The Lord Hears the Cry of the Poor

From Psalm 34 do we get the famous song, The Lord Hears the Cry if the Poor, by John Foley. My question to you is why does the Lord hear the cry of the poor? Is it because they are poor? Is poverty the bottomline here or is there more to this psalm than what people assume to be going on? And I would answer that THERE IS ANOTHER MEANING. You can look at it from another viewpoint-that this is not a psalm simply about social justice, but a song about where there is trust and the spirit of humility, only then can the soul experience the mercy of God.

Why does the Lord hear the cry of the poor? Because they are crying out to Him! People who have a need cry out to God. Actually, only people who know they have a need cry out to God. What kind of need? There are all kinds people can suffer from: a need for food, a need for shelter, a need for money, a need for family, a need for joy, and need for peace, a need to overcome drugs, a need to overcome alcoholism or other addictions, a need against depression, a need against suicide, a need for healing against an illness, injury or disease, or spiritual healing, a need for spiritual gifts, a need for spiritual growth.

People who have a need and recognize they have a need cry out to God. Why then the poor? Are the poor the only ones with needs? No! In the words of Fr. Stan Fortuna, “Everybody got to suffer, rich or poor, don’t matter, got to suffer.” Everyone has a need; it’s a matter of knowing to whom do we go in that need. Those who are poor show strength in humility because they have been crushed to the core of their human dignity their desperation. And these poor are the ones the Lord hears.

People who have too much pride that they feel they can take care of their own needs—they don’t need God—they’re not desperate for His reign over their need; they’re not seeking to surrender their needs to the Lord. People who have too much pride—-they don’t need God in their need(s) because they are in control.

The poor whom the Lord hears are humble because they have experienced a lack of dignity in their need and have come to God with total surrender: everything belongs to Him, He Who made heaven and earth, and through Him all things are possible, a total trust in the providence and mercy of God. All their trust is in Him because to them, HE IS IN CONTROL.

This is the key—-the Lord hears the cry of the poor because the poor cry out to Him like a child to his father. Jesus teaches us to cry out to God as “Abba! Father! All things are possible for You.” Mark 14:36

All for Something

There was soy sauce everywhere. All over the floor, all Over the fridge, all over the cabinets, all over the wall. I was immediately filled with anger and anxiety. Then I looked at the crucifix on the wall and I knew that Satan was trying to steal my peace and so I made the sign of the cross and aloud offered up my troubles for specifically the love of Jesus and His Church. I felt a deep sense of calmness fill me up and I took my time cleaning knowing all of it counted towards something bigger than me at the moment.

A Supernatural World

You must have a working relationship with God, that is to say that you cannot expect to experience the supernatural without engaging with the supernatural. You must submit your whole

being to the universe without boundaries, a universe in which the earth and the heavens are interconnected. God and space have no limits. When you pray for the dead, for instance, talk to them casually because they are listening. The sad reality is far few people take advantage of the Communion of Saints who are especially potent on their feast days.
If you are struggling in your prayer life , there is nothing better than to ask for assistance. And who better to ask then those who are already in the next life.
But you must also offer to God and the heavenly friends your efforts, your prayers, your sufferings. God can do little with a person who is unwilling to serve and do the necessary work for service.
you must in constant dialogue. Your inner dialogue ought to always be reaching upward, a mentality for the spiritual.

Why we need to look up

I have always been a huge fan of star gazing and am a little bit of an astronomy nerd. There’s just something about the heavens that invite inner reflection and contemplation. This is so important for the soul. When you place yourself before the majestic sky, you very quickly understand your place in this universe.
we are before God in the same manner—we are under Him and made to serve Him for His delight and glory. We are nothing but only have meaning because of Him and draw all our good from Him. Very simply, we are mere specks without purpose except for His purpose.
And if all things are for Him and under Him, then I think this is what is meant by don’t worry because everything is His now and yesterday and tomorrow. There’s nothing that’s not His, the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly.
I also think that’s why it’s silly to believe that a person who enters a religious life is wasting away because what else need we to do? There is nothing that we can do anyway that either strengthens or diminishes how God’s Providence holds everything together.
look up at the night sky, see God in his divine plan. When you contemplate Him, you contemplate all that is Good.

On Your Guardian Angel

Your guardian angel is more than just a companion. You can ask your guardian angel if it be the will of Jesus to do favors for you, but these must be spiritual favors. For example, you can ask your angel to tell another angel of a soul who died that you are praying for that person and have the angel tell you specifically what prayers that person needs. This is speaking of course of a soul in purgatory. You can in turn ask your angel to ask the angel of that same person to have that person pray for you when they have gone to heaven.

I never really talked to my guardian angel in the past, but recently began practicing this. I think this is a good habit to incorporate into your spiritual exercises, daily even if possible.

You are not alone. Use your angel to protect you. I’m not talking about physical protection. I’m talking about spiritual protection, and because you know this now, you must also help others in need of the same spiritual protection against the enemy. this is in part what is meant by the communion of Saints.

your angel will also vouch for you at your death.he will recall All the good deeds you did as well as all The times you prayed in secret for the ones who’ve passed or are in need of prayer in this life.

Your guardian angel will also pray with you.
so go ahead-talk to your angel. He will not let you down.

On Suffering

Where there is suffering there is redemption. I trust in you, Jesus, and so I trust in this suffering.

Look at the Cross Daily

In a culture that says everyone is perfect they way they are, it’s easy to turn ourselves so to gods. Who needs humility when you're repeatedly reminded that you don’t need to change? Remember “Born this Way” by Lady Gaga? Who needs a savior when you’re told that the way you are is not only perfect but is pure within yourself…”the center is you”, “you are the change you want to see”. But I am here to say that this is not only wrong and untrue, it is ridiculous! Ask any one of your friends if you’re perfect and they will laugh at your face! Every person has qualities that are unlikable and unpleasant. There’s an underlying reason the military’s use of discipline and self control is attractive to people. These things are pseudo-virtues. In other words, they are the very means to which people become better human beings. Why would you need to become better if you’re already perfect? why would the drive to become a better version of yourself be so compelling if you don’t need to change?
the best practice you can implement day to day is to look at the crucifix. Ponder the pain of Jesus crucified. When you do this, you will see His mercy, and upon this, you will lay your shame and imperfections on Him. In Him, you can lighten yourself and take the burden off of yourself to be perfect because in Him is all holiness and you can do nothing to deserve Him but He is because of Himself and He gives because of Who He is. Receive Him. It is pure love poured out into your heart. This is the best thing you can do among anything you can do all day. Do this every day. This is where transformation begins, in Jesus, crucified with Him.

Totus Tuus

I am useless to anyone unless Jesus is using me for His purpose and His purpose only.

The Mass-Just God and My My Soul

I’ve read many blog pieces from music ministers who all say the same thing when it comes to music ministry week to week: that it only gets harder and harder. In a Protestant service, as a musician you have to keep upping your ante. You have to get everybody fired up! And learn new and better songs to keep up with that pace. It’s exhausting work, both to mention the time away you need to give yourself to refresh so you don’t get burned out from the demands of ministry.
on the contrary as a Catholic liturgical musician, I don’t have to get people fired up in the same way to receive that Sunday’s message because ultimately the Mass’s central take away is not reliant on me but in Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Can I use music to draw people in? Of course! Can I use music to make their experience at Mass even more powerful? Yes, indeed!
But the difference is at Mass unlike a Protestant service, it’s just God and my soul. A Protestant service requires my emotions; I must be emotionally wrapped up in it. A Catholic Mass doesn’t require that of me, but rather an attitude of prayer. In other words, if I’m having a bad day or even a good day, I don’t have to pretend anything, I don’t have to put on praise or worship, I just have to be present.
the Mass remains the most consistent form of prayer we have access to, praise be to God.

The Art of Nudging

Those of you who know me know that I generally speak off the cuff, often times cussing to make a point, and more than not offend people without having a second thought. I don’t tend to hold back my opinion, so long as it is the truth. But those of you who know me before my mid-20’s know that I was never like this. I never spoke my mind, rarely did I want to share my opinion, because honestly, I didn’t think it mattered. But upon reflection, I can recall several instances where various individuals in my life poked and prodded at me with their opinions—”You should learn the read the language you speak”, in regards to learning how to read music. “I bet you can’t count to 10 ‘cause you’re just a stupid home-schooler!” the kids shouted at me when I was 9. "

For almost everything I’ve done that has bettered me as a person, there was someone behind it with a word of advice or another kind of remark that instigated a move in me. I wanted a challenge and whenever someone rose to that occasion, whether it was with kind words or in a wicked fashion, I met them with personal growth.

So what about this? Should we not have filters when we talk to one anther? Am I advocating bullying or justifying abuse? No of course not, that is absurd. Abuse and social cruelty have made my life harder than it needed to be and made me fall behind my peers. The grace of God is the only thing that has pulled me up from that rubbish that made my life as black as night. But when we can separate ourselves from the words projected at us, when we can receive from others, even in a cross tongue, their words as beneficial to us in some way, we can use those words as a ladder rather than a dead end.

I call these people “nudgers”. They can either nudge you down a bad path or nudge you towards a path of righteousness. When we have wisdom and prudence, how much more effective is nudging? When we know better, and we’ve seen the light of peace and joy in our lives, how much more honorable is nudging so that others may also come to experience abundant living?

But nudging must be purposeful and it must be done in charity if we are to be truly helpful in the lives of others. And you can nudge too much so you have to know when to back away.

On Perfection

I’m not after perfection. I’m after holiness and holiness demands humility and humility demands imperfection.

Everything is His Already

It’s funny how we act like we have ownership of things but the reality is we own nothing, we have nothing and we are nothing. It is God alone Who brings meaning and fullness to all creation. We are His and everything is His already.